The lesson “Jimbo” taught me 30 years ago that still matters today. (Copy)

The lesson “Jimbo” taught me 30 years ago that still matters today.

It's never too late to break the patterns and start doing things that YOU believe in.

When I was 15 I had a friend who really had a crush on a boy. One night, she was at my house having a sleepover (remember those?) and told me that this dream guy (AKA DG) invited her to hangout at one of his friends house and she asked if we could go. Now, I knew DG did drugs (lots of them) and I did not, and I wasn’t at all interested in being around people doing heavy drugs, but I wanted her to think I was cool and so I let her drag me fifty blocks north of the apartment I lived in in Manhattan, to a fancy building where DG and his three friends were getting fucked up and enjoying being rich without parents around. Everything about the moment felt wrong to me… but I wanted her to like me so I went along for the ride. The “rich orphans” were acting fools and wasted, but my friend wanted to hook up so, right in the same room as me, they started going at it. I was so uncomfortable. Was this really happening? It was, so I left them alone and wandered around the apartment. 

I didn't want to be confronted by the DG’s wasted dude friends, so I went into a quiet, dark room and sat there trying to fade into the background. Time passed, I have no idea how long, as I sat there wanting to leave, wanting to go home, and being mad that I let her drag me here in the first place. And that’s when “Jimbo” ran into the den, half dressed, wearing a large foam cowboy hat and started to scream, “I’m peaking! I’m peaking!” But that’s also when his friend, who aparantly was NOT peaking, decided to come and fuck with me. He teased me for sitting alone. He mocked me for being sober. He was just an overall asshole… and I took it. Because I wanted to be a good friend and because I wanted my friend to like me. I let him berate me and make me feel like absolute shit for a good few minutes before I decided I couldn't be there anymore and, with a courage I didn't realize I had, I walked out of the apartment and left. 

I’d like to tell you that I stood for myself to my friend - but I don’t think I did. I never told her how I knew being there was wrong and that I didn't want to go, that I didn’t want to be around people who did hard drugs, and that she was wrong for putting me in that place, and that something like that would never happen again.  I never did any of that… because I wanted her to like me.

This would be a pattern I repeated for the next two decades. With men. With people who took advantage of me. I spent years of my life letting myself feel hurt, be scared, feel uncomfortable, or be put into dangerous situations because I didn't know how to say “No, this is not OK” to people. And, even if I did know how to, I decided it was more important to be liked than to speak up about what was right or wrong.

I would eventually break this pattern. But I was reminded of what it feels like, very viscerally, this week when I spoke out about an incident of antisemitism I observed online.

Now, I’m not going to talk about this incident and I’m not going to make it the focus of this email. But I am going to use it as a reminder to you that,

sometimes the greatest thing we can do, is learn how to be disliked by others.

This week, a lot of people didn’t like me for what I believed in and what I said. And, I’m not going to lie – I really didn’t like that at first. For a good bunch of hours, I was downright sad and scared about how much it was going to impact me that people disagreed with what I said. But then I reminded myself that standing up for what you feel is right and wrong - whether it is to a horny friend, an abusive partner, a boss who takes advantage of you, or if it’s calling out what you believe is antisemitism on  social media - is all about self-love. It’s about having the courage to know YOUR VALUES and what works for you and what does not and taking action to put your values before your comfort. 

Values are a really powerful thing. They are the keys to unlocking your authentic life.  However, having them doesn’t guarantee an easy life - in fact, sometimes having them can make your life more painful because sticking to them and honoring them requires you to handle when people disagree with you. 

The thing is with values, is that they are a road map. Knowing what your values are - what you care about, what you support, and what you feel is right and wrong - will make your life more clear. They allow you to live life on YOUR terms and not to live life for other people's approval. It is this clarity that will allow you to liberate yourself from other people's expectations and create life on your terms. 

If you’ve gotten  to a place in life where you feel confused or overwhelmed or sad, I might encourage you to ask yourself, “Do I know what my personal values are? And, if I do, do I live accordingly with them?”

It’s OK if you don't know what your values are – hell, I didn't until I walked into 40 and, sure as shit, my values will keep evolving as I evolve. 

That being said… you can start to do the work to figure them out. It is NEVER too late to uncover your values and, in doing so, to start to uncover you. 

You are worth uncovering. You are worth knowing. And you have more strength and self-awareness within you, at your fingertips, than you can possibly imagine.

Go ahead. Learn how to be disliked for what you believe in. I don't have to agree with you to know that you are worthy of your own convictions. I’m cheering you on.

As always – feel free to respond in the comments! I always love hearing from you.

Here for you, always.

Sarah