You Can Say No; A Self-Love Reminder

The following is a 100% true story based on a 100% true experience I had last month. It reminded me of something essential and something so important that I think, unfortunately, so many people often forget. Consider this a reminder... A few weeks ago I met a guy online and we chatted for a while. I was continually struck but how he controlled conversation, always asking questions to things he specifically cared about answers for, with a very limited scope of subject, mostly sexual. At first, I went along and chatted. He never actually asked me about my day, or what in life I was interested in... This quickly became old. I asserted, that if he wanted to keep getting to know me he was welcome to, but that I was done with the lines of questioning he seemed fixated on. I said this on more than one occasion. We ended up talking on the phone, which actually seemed enjoyable. He was from New York City (where I was born and raised) and I found his straight forward conversation style to be familiar. Over the phone he was less dominating; I became more comfortable with the idea of meeting in person.Shortly after, we met decided to meet out one night. We drove separate cars, bumped into each other in the parking lot and walked to the bar together. At the bar I had one drink and we talked for about an hour. During that time he talked non-stop about himself, barely pausing to breathe or shake out his (longish) hair like a peacock. I should add that he wasn't overly impressive in real life, was slightly paunchy and clad in a tee shirt, velour track jacket, jeans and sneakers. In any normal situation, I'd hardly be fixated on the looks and presentation of my date... but, layered on top of his incessant need to talk about himself, his lack of ability to ask me any question about me and his controlling nature, I will admit I was turned off. It all felt wrong. I lasted about as long as I felt I could and, an hour into the meeting, made the move to wrap things up. This was not the man for me.We walked back to the street where our cars were both parked. At the car, he kissed me and I went along with it. I'm not super proud that I did but, I'm human and, for a few moments, I guess it felt nice. Then he touched me. That didn't feel nice. I asked him to stop once; he didn't. I asked him to stop a second time; he didn't. A third. A fourth. Finally, the fifth time, I physically pushed him away, put my hands between us, and stepped backwards.I haven't spoken to him since.

I asked him to stop once; he didn't. I asked him to stop a second time; he didn't. A third. A fourth. Finally, the fifth time, I physically pushed him away, put my hands between us, and stepped backwards.I haven't spoken to him since.

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When I was younger I had a boyfriend who, at the time, I was really enamored with. Everyone else knew he was a creep. For some reason, I couldn't see it. I don't remember a lot of our relationship, but what I do remember is that I, personally, didn't really seem to matter. I was an accessory. At the time? I couldn't get that. I didn't know what a Narcissist looked like... I wanted to be loved. I wanted to feel pretty. I wanted to be valuable. And all those base needs outweighed the quality of companionship that I thought I'd found.I very clearly remember that he pressured me to do physical things that were outside my comfort zone. I was naive, and nowhere near as aware or confident then as I am now, so I went along because I wanted to be a good girlfriend. There were times I said "no" but those objections were walked through. Again and again. I very viscerally remember retreating to the bathroom after one of these instances and crumpling to the floor and crying. On the other side of the door he assured me with empty promises... and yet the same things happened again.It took me a year to fully understand how wrong this was. And when I broke up with him (yes, I ended it) I severed that tie so damn fast, and so damn hard that I never looked back.Often times, I've looked back and thought about what I might have told Sarah At 19 that I know intrinsically now. How I could have forced my younger self to extradite herself from that crappy relationship sooner? Would I have even listened?If I could have, I would have said... you matter. Your voice, your comfort, your boundaries. They all matter. Trust your gut. You know what's right for you and what's wrong. You are in charge of your body. And no desire to be accepted, no deep need to feel valuable will EVER be satiated by a partner who devalues you. Only you determine your own worth.

If I could have, I would have said... you matter. Your voice, your comfort, your boundaries. They all matter. Trust your gut. You know what's right for you and what's wrong. You are in charge of your body. And no desire to be accepted, no deep need to feel valuable will EVER be satiated by a partner who devalues you. Only you determine your own worth.

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Fast forward 18 years later, standing next to my parked car on the street that night a few weeks ago. The moment I felt his hands move... I heard that voice in my head.I know you want to be loved. I know you want to feel pretty. I know you want to be valuable... this is not the way. This is wrong. If I had not pushed him away that night (which I never should have had to do in the first place) who knows what would have happened. We might have ended up in bed together at some point in time. More likely than not, I'd have found my boundaries obliterated again. Feeling the same way at 37 than I did at 19; mute and invisible.But I did push away. And, more clearly than ever before, I was reminded a few very essential things:A person who pushes you once will push you again. A man (or woman) who verbally walks all over you can just as easily physically walk all over you. Both are equally as wrong.Trust your gut. You know what's right and you know what's wrong. Honor yourself by letting your gut guide you.You are in charge of your body. Be empowered enough to know, that when a partner pushes you past your comfort--- you can walk away.I don't care how old you are, how alone you feel, how much you weigh, how much grey hair you have, the color of your skin or your sexual orientation.I don't care how badly you want to be loved, how desperately you want to feel pretty and how much you crave to be accepted and seen... I get it, I really do.If someone pushes your boundaries in a way you have not given them permission to do ---- you can walk away. You can say no. You can. I promise. It does not make you less of a woman or a man. In fact, it makes you stronger, more self assured and more in control of your own personal journey to self-love. Listening to your gut, honoring your boundaries and acting in ways that support these is 100% more likely to make you feel more empowered, more beautiful and more valued than ANY way that ANY thing that ANY one who put their value and worth above yours could ever possibly do....From me to you, a reminder of self-love. xxo