Ep 1 of my Road Trip Vlog: Let’s do this!

I’m a plus size midlife woman going on a solo roadtrip across the country. Wtf?

Did I mention I’m going on an epic road trip? Yes, people. Let’s do this! Look. I’m not a fancy content creator. I’m old and I’m trying to learn how to use a camera thingy and how to edit videos. I kinda suck at it BUT the end result is sincere and imperfect and so, so real. My first episode is up on YouTube! In this episode I introduce myself, talk about why I’m going on a road trip, share my plans, and get vulnerable about the grief I feel associated with my dads death.

Watch Episode One on YouTube now!

Kicking off my plus size road trip and solo travel adventure

I arrived in Orlando two days ago. At this point in time of my adventure, there are things I know for sure.

One: People keep telling me to “Have fun!” and “Relax!” and I appreciated their positivity but I know for a fact this trip will not be a peaceful, relaxing experience. What I DO know, is that this experience will be what it will be. I’m keeping my expectations in check and I think that’s good.

Two: I’m sort of in love with my 2024 GMC Yukon Denali that I’ve named Reba. Seriously. She’s amazing and probably the fanciest automobile I’ll ever drive.

Three: I’ve been in Florida for less than a week and already reverted to Gremlin-style emotional eating as a coping mechanism. Joy! In my defense, my stepmother is in full-on diet culture mode and, in an understandable effort to make her life easier and not deal with cooking, is eating Nutrisystem. I am 45 going on 12 with flashbacks of sneaking bagels into my dad and stepmother's apartment and looking for something sweet but finding only a Sugarbusters cookbook.

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, here’s what I want to share.

I arrived in Orlando and, within the first 90 minutes, found myself holding back tears. I was not prepared for the wave of emotion that hit me when walking into the house my stepmother and father shared without him being there. He passed away last August and, while I was at the house in December for his celebration of life, this was the first time I’ve really been IN the house.

It was the blue leather wingback chair with the Green Bay Packers blanket thrown over the edge that did me in.  There it was. Sitting there.  There were other things that cracked me open as well. The pile of choral music with his handwriting and colored tabs. The ceramic pencil case I made him when I was a kid that sat on his desk for years. 

I do not want to be seen crying. Not because I feel like my stepmother would judge me for my feelings - not at ALL - but because I do not know how to let my guard down enough to experience big emotions around her. I’d never had big emotions around my dad and stepmother. Neither big laughter nor big sadness. I’d always felt I had to be metered around them. Contained. And while this may have been a self-imposed thing to some extent, there was a level of formality to our relationships. Loving but a bit formal. So, here at the house now without my dad in the mix, I simply don’t feel like I can cry. But I cry on the inside. I eat a full package of Twizzlers one night after my stepmother goes to bed. I keep the walls up the best I can. Sometimes, when I am alone, it crumbles a bit.

I will not judge myself for any of this. It is what it is. And grief is… grief.

I have not let my hair down yet. I am ready for the road. I am grateful for the time my stepmother and I have here together to connect.

When I leave for my road trip, I will be bringing pieces of my father with me. 
A depressing plastic container of his ashes.
His brown leather chair and ottoman.
His guitar.
The worn-in guitar case.
A hand-carved wooden horse his Uncle Joe made him that he played with as a child.
A western-themed clock from his childhood that sat on his bookcases.
The Sapora Family music box.

He will be with me. And that is all that matters.