When you Hate what you See in the Mirror Think Carrie Underwood

(Self) Love Notes Vol 5

I made myself a promise. I made you a promise. And yesterday, I really wanted to say “fuck it” and abandon ship.

But I didn’t. I want you to know how hard it was. I want you to know how conscious and intentional the thought process that followed was. And I want you to be able to learn from this.

Here's what happened.

I recorded a casual video to share my excitement with you about the doors opening for my LIFELOVE Vatreat. And, I am SO EXCITED that I can’t contain myself.

And then I watched the video back. In fact, as I was watching myself in the camera, I found myself getting distracted… I didn’t recognize my face and my body. I mean, I knew it was me but, what I saw wasn’t a “me” I was peaceful with.

I didn’t like what I saw. I saw heavier than I’ve been in years. My face looked lost. My shape was rounder… I took a few deep breaths and struggled to get back into the right headspace.

I felt myself want to shut off. I felt myself want to give up.

So I made a DELIBERATE choice to keep going anyway. And, in a matter of seconds, I switched from feeling my feelings to OBSERVING my feelings.

To do this, I did the following:

1. I observed my own feelings. I let myself feel what was coming up, but I “narrated” it instead. It's like floating above yourself and you watch yourself have feelings – you name them and identify them and talk to them but are not swept up in them. You witness yourself.

2. I reminded myself that my feelings are not ME – they are only feelings and feelings are transient.

3. I directed my thoughts to what was REALLY important. My mindset is the most important thing, mental health is the most important thing. My body can change. If I am not emotionally and spiritually aligned and awake, I cannot connect, be present, or grow.

4. I opened my heart intentionally. I recommitted to myself and to you. I told myself my imperfections and my body and my “flaws” are all part of who I am as a glorious being.

Deep breath, Sarah. You’ve got this, I said to myself.

And I worked through the moment. I moved foward, I moved on. I came out the other side.

I spent a good bit of time yesterday observing my thoughts. Here were some of the things that came up.

I can see that my relationship to food has, literally, never been healthier BUT, at the same time, I am living at a weight that does not, in any way shape or form, work for me right now. But I got here, pushed over the edge of my own physical comfort, from a year of intense emotional eating used a survival mechanism. I made the bed I am laying in – do I judge myself? NO. Do I wish it wasn’t so? Yes. So here I am, at a personal apex of self-awareness, facing the mountain and beginning to climb one step at a time. I’m not healthy and I know it and living in this state is not what I want nor I deserve so…. I must serve me and make changes.

OK then. Feelings. I see you. I honor you.

I struggled for a few minutes, wondering how I could even continue to show up for other people when I am, so clearly, imperfect myself? The self-doubt had crept in, something powerful.

I wanted to shut off. I wanted to step away. I wanted to hide and not “put myself out there” because there is no way I deserved to have a voice now. I wanted to cancel plans. Fuck the email blast. I just wanted to disappear….

I did not. Because that is not who I am and that is not WHO I WANT TO BE in this world.

It is my job to share at EVERY phase of my journey. It is not my job to be perfect. It is my job to share my process, whatever the mountain is that I am climbing. To show that NONE of us are final products, ever. To live the truth that we can be conflicted and yet loving at the same time. Raw and emotional and also fierce and resolved. Messy and beautiful. Soft and strong. And that is enough.

My purpose is to journey and to invite others into the process with me. None of us are final products, ever!

I learned a few years ago, that one can either chose to live a vulnerable life or they cannot. You cannot be defensive and vulnerable at the same time.

Furthermore, if you live your life defensively, you will close yourself off. From love. From possibility. From connection.

If you live vulnerable, you open yourself up for expansive love. Possibility. Connection.

I am love. I am possibility. I am connection. I knew I must fight my instinct to shut myself off. I knew I must use the current challenging state of mind to be fuel for vulnerability instead. Rather than hide, I knew I MUST use this as a reason to connect with YOU.

And so let this be a little, messy-beautiful lesosn to you. It is when you are feeling your most fragile and unloveable that it is the time to be brave and reach out to others. To teach. To love. To use whatever voice you have. To keep yourself open. To keep your heart open.

When you are feeling your most fragile and unloveable is the time when you have the option to be brave and to reach out to others.

Most importantly, it is a time to remind you of one of the single most important lessons a person can learn --- Good feelings and hard feelings can exist at the exact same time and it can be NORMAL and TOTALLY OK.

We can feel conflict and discomfort and be self-loving.

The point of life is not to douse it in fake, false positive bullshit – do you hear me?

It’s not always pink and rosy.

We don’t have to want to wrap ourselves in glitter and dance down the streets naked. It is OK to be in a phase where you are a little more raw.

The challenge, the gift, is to exist in a state of messy and flawed beauty and to know, just as we are, that we are lovable ALWAYS.

It is OK (REALLY, I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS ONLINE) to struggle with your body sometimes. Struggle is part of growth, and growth is life. What matters is that you do not let that struggle define YOU. See it. Observe it. Understand it. But understand that you are far more than whatever challenge you are currently feeling.

My body made me feel small the other day. For a few moments, I wanted to shut myself off. But then I remembered to open myself to love. Because love is all that matters, after all.​

What you got if you ain't got love
The kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you've been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands
And when you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else seem so small.​
- Carrie Underwood.

xo
Sarah