In Search of Sensuality and in Search of Myself

Sarah Sapora

sarah sapora

This is a body in progress.This is 38.This is an unapologetic woman.This is me.Do I make you uncomfortable? Does this image of a larger woman, standing in her skin in a powerful and sensual way make you pause?I hope not, but there’s a good chance it does. Because this isn’t something we see every day. I know, even I paused the first time I scrolled through these pics and, hell, that’s MY body!I wasn’t anticipating the end result of these pictures. Standing on a California beach at 7:00 on a Thursday morning, I thought it would simply be a chance for me to step outside my own comfort zone. To get comfortable wearing a bikini and celebrate the growth I’ve experienced in the last year as I’ve committed to my own health and wellness. To celebrate how much stronger, vibrant, and alive I feel since committing to my growth!What ended up happening, was entirely unexpected. It took on a life of it’s own. And, at first, I struggled. These pictures almost made me uncomfortable… But in the end, I decided my honest truth was all I needed to share. Because if this is MY story, it’s the story of hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of other women.

Here’s a truth. As a larger plus size woman I have often felt that my “worth” has been fetishized and tied into the perceived-value of a few select body parts. Having a large ass. Or larger chest. Or shapely thighs. These are the parts of plus size women that get talked about. These are the “acceptable” parts of our body. Except… I’m more then these parts. And I’m more than “acceptable.”

Here’s a truth. As a larger plus size woman I have often felt that my “worth” has been fetishized and tied into the perceived-value of a few select body parts. Having a large ass. Or larger chest. Or shapely thighs. These are the parts of plus size women that get talked about. These are the “acceptable” parts of our body. Except… I’m more then these parts. And I’m more than “acceptable.”Any larger woman who's ever been approached by strange men online who solicit her with crude, entitled remarks can probably relate here.Any woman who’s ever been hit on by a guy who wants to take her to bed and enjoy her large body in private, while shunning her in public, can probably relate here.Any larger woman who grew up without seeing any bodies that looked like hers on the media, in the movies, and certainly *gasp* never shown in the context of a romantic relationship with a man, can probably relate here...And then there’s the fact that I’m getting older than I ever contemplated being. I’m turning 39 in September, and I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that makes me pause and think a bit.And then there’s this reality; in the last year, I’ve reduced my body fat by over 15% and have gone from having super limited mobility to running six flights of stairs in 54 seconds. The number on the scale has dropped over 75 bs, though I prefer to measure my joy by my increased freedom, power, and strength. But you know what comes with all of that? Loose skin. Lots of it. Parts of me that used to be firm and fuller with curves of fat are now sliding and slack. Under it is muscle that support my 650lb + leg press, a core that lets me attack battle ropes, and knees that can now take running (yes, legit running) on a treadmill. On the outside? It’s a slippery, sliding, jiggle of a body that I work to make kind peace with every day. I wouldn’t trade my journey for the life of me, but I can still safely admit that nobody prepares you for the technique it takes to develop peace with your ever-changing, unfamiliar form.

I wouldn’t trade my journey for the life of me, but I can still safely admit that nobody prepares you for the technique it takes to develop peace with your ever-changing, unfamiliar form.

All these reasons, and more, prompted me to wear a string bikini on the beach. Because society would have us believe that THIS person, who fits all these descriptors listed above, doesn’t have the right to do that. That she should feel awkward or ashamed of who she is. Because I am none of those things. I am not awkward or ashamed. In fact, it all felt pretty great! So I challenged myself to wear one. To celebrate where I am in my growth, the changes I've made, and my joy for the future to come.And when my dear friend Keith (yes, mom, he’s just a friend, sorry!) joined me, and I told him I wanted to push outside of my comfort zone… we got there. I laughed a bit nervously. But after that? Everything felt natural… I allowed myself to connect with parts of me that are visceral, and very real. Parts I had never allowed myself to experience before. I am grateful to Keith for his friendship and love that he shares the same passion in encouraging plus size women to feel beautiful in their skin. 

A year ago, I made the choice to commit to my wellness from the inside out. I made the choice to look at my life with raw honesty. To willingly work on the aspects of my life that were out of balance, while improving my health and my happiness. This included the relationship that I had to my own body, and to understanding my worth.

A year ago, I made the choice to commit to my wellness from the inside out. I made the choice to look at my life with raw honesty. To willingly work on the aspects of my life that were out of balance, while improving my health and my happiness. This included the relationship that I had to my own body, and to understanding my worth. You see, I have undervalued myself for years. I don’t know, maybe reading this now you can relate? Have you ever allowed others to treat you less than you know you deserve? And did this willingly, even though you may have known it was wrong, you gave it permission because you simply didn’t believe that you merit a higher standard? For whatever reason, I did all of that.14 months later, deep into my personal growth, having changed the trajectory of my life and feeling happier, healthier, and more balanced than I’ve ever felt as an adult, it was time to explore a side of me I’d yet to touch. The idea of being a sensuous woman. Imperfect. In progress. Flawed. Yet standing firm in her beauty, her power, and in touch with her feminine energy.If you’re reading this and a larger woman yourself, has anyone ever said to you, “I love BBW’s” and, if they did, how did that make you feel? Did that make you feel unique and beautiful? Or did it make you feel like a sum of some big body parts. As if your body was interchangeable with any other large female body?

If you’re reading this and a larger woman yourself, has anyone ever said to you, “I love BBW’s” and, if they did, how did that make you feel? Did that make you feel unique and beautiful? Or did it make you feel like a sum of some big body parts. As if your body was interchangeable with any other large female body?

This has happened to me a lot. And, truthfully, it always felt really uncomfortable. I always wanted to be liked for WHO I was, and not defined by my body first and foremost…The more time I spent longing to “be seen” by others, the more numb I got to the idea of what I truly deserved. Till, eventually, you just sort of get used to being lumped a category that has nothing to do with your personal attributes, and everything to do with the size of your body.It took a lot of time and a lot of work to figure out that I was READY for more. I had to clear away a lot of limiting beliefes about myself, a lot of fog and clouds that hung thick of the city of my life, before I was ready for the sun to start shining through. And when that ray of self-confidence started to stream into my window? There was no going back. The standard had changed; it was time to “level up” and dig into who I really am.How can you feel feminine and empowered when everything about your body is "wrong" to so many people?Here is what I am learning. “Sexy” is surface level. It’s an outfit, a tight, short dress and lipstick. It’s a label some strange guy throws on you when you walk by and they stare at your cleavage. But sensuous? To me? That starts from a feeling you have inside about who you are.

Here is what I am learning. “Sexy” is surface level. It’s an outfit, a tight, short dress and lipstick. It’s a label some strange guy throws on you when you walk by and they stare at your cleavage. But sensuous? To me? That starts from a feeling you have inside about who you are.

A feeling that someone doesn’t give you. A feeling only you can find for yourself. A certainty. An earthy awareness. A comfort with your body. An unshakable awareness that you are worthy of touch. And I was ready for ALL OF THIS.I decided it would start with a photoshoot on the beach. A chance to dip my toe into the water of an empowered Sarah. This would be unfamiliar territory for me, but I was ready to start. I was ready.And so when I stepped onto that beach, I left a part of Sarah behind and got to know a new part of her. I left behind the Sarah who undervalued herself and the Sarah who always felt she was dependent on another to give her feminine self-worth. I decided it was time to start seeing myself another way.It was time for me to be in charge of my body. And so I met a version of me that had lived inside all along, but I’d never had the courage to touch.And then these photos happened.In the time since taking these pics, I've had many people point out that I'm a single woman; so the merit of these photos is null and void. I disagree. I am defined by nothing other than my feeling about WHO I am. Sure, my pictures with Keith helped me crack open a door, but the journey is in Sarah alone. I don't need a relationship to feel I am a valuable woman. Of course, when one comes into my life that is organic and healthful, with a partner who values me for who I am, and not the sum of my body parts, I welcome a relationship! For now, my commitment to my sensuality and my feminity belongs to me alone. With a partner or without, I am still the same beautiful, flawed, perfectly un-perfect "work in progress" that I am.What do you see when you look at these? What I see is a woman who is daring to exist without a single fear. She is deeply rooted in her self-awareness. She is brazen in her body. In the space she takes up. In the curves of her hips.I had never seen myself like this before. A larger woman so fierce. So strong. So sensual. Yet, so un-sensationalized.In truth, I didn’t recognize myself at first. And then I kept looking. And the more I looked, the more I said, “Yes, girl, that is you. That. Is. YOU!”Despite this, I was scared to share these photos. It’s weird to me that, a quick Google of my name will produce these pictures for the rest of my life. (Hello Future Jobs! Hello Future Husband!) It is probably a given that these photos will turn into fat-shaming memes, or be misunderstood by those who see it without the perspective of my story.But I don’t share these pictures for them. I share them because somewhere out there is a woman who needs to see them. She needs to see a body that looks like hers. She needs to see a woman who is daring to EXIST in her imperfect, in progress-beauty. She needs to see a larger woman be comfortable with a man holding her hips, her stomach, and the parts of her that have nothing to do with breasts and an ass. She needs to see cellulite and stretch mark and skin that is visible. She needs to see a woman who is comfortable in her sensual energy.

...somewhere out there is a woman who needs to see them. She needs to see a body that looks like hers. She needs to see a woman who is daring to EXIST in her imperfect, in progress-beauty. She needs to see a larger woman be comfortable with a man holding her hips, her stomach, and the parts of her that have nothing to do with breasts and an ass. She needs to see cellulite and stretch mark and skin that is visible. She needs to see a woman who is comfortable in her sensual energy.

We need to know, that sensuality doesn’t have to be defined by our size.We need to know that beauty doesn’t expire after the age of 35.We need to accept that bodies in progress, those that are changingshape, may have looser skin. And that looser skin is just skin. It isn’t something to be ashamed of.We need to believe that larger bodies are just as entitled to their sexuality as their more slender peers are.We need KNOW that that all of these things that make people uncomfortable are facts of life. Bodies change shape. Bodies get older. Bodies are different sizes. Bodies are allowed to be sensual in their varied forms.It doesn’t get better until we start seeing all of this more regularly. Till people are willing to get comfortable being uncomfortable, there can be no growth. Without growth three can be no change.And if it doesn’t start changing, it will never be more acceptable for people who don’t fit the social norms to feel comfortable and worthy in their own skin.  And if people aren't allowed to feel comfortable in their skin, they will be less likely to dream, to want more, to believe they are capable of positive change. They less likely they will be to take a chance and do something that benefits them from the inside out.  We can't make changes in our life from shame, you guys. We have to make them because we believe we are worthy of love and goodness and power. Empowering yourself starts with kindness for who we are at this very moment -- and then knowing deep down in our bones that we are capable of MORE if we want it.And so this is me. My name is Sarah. I am 38 years old. I am an unapologetic woman and a body in progress. I am standing in my sensual energy without shame. And I am showing up for my life for the first time ever, in such a genuine way, that fear cannot stop me. 

Note: I want to give special thanks to my dear friend, Keith Webb. Sometimes friendships come along that help you to find yourself... I've known Keith for years, and in that time he has always been supportive of my journey. When I paused on the beach he said, "No, it's time, go for it, let's DO THIS. Don't be uncomfortable, we've got this." And he reminded me to snap out of my head and into the present. Thank you, my friend. Also, a big thank you to the super talented Rachel Richardson, of Lovely In LA for these photos. She went there in EVERY way and really made this all happen. Hire her; she's the bomb.