Friendships, Covid, and Self-Love

Friendships, Covid, and Self-Love

(Self) Love Note Vol 2

In the last 15 months, my friendships have changed a lot. I wish I could say they all got stronger, but I can’t. In fact, many of my friendships just fizzled away… Did that happen to you?

Like many people, I found being isolated during Covid quarantine served as a catalyst for a lot of deep thinking and personal discovery. I am very lucky that all my loved ones are safe and well and, although I would not want to repeat the experience in any way shape or form – I am (no shit, really and truly) grateful for what I learned about myself.   

One thing I learned was really hard. I saw clearly how much I have made myself responsible for carrying the communications in certain relationships.

In some friendships, I saw that I’d be the one to continually, regularly, call and text and say hello. Again and again.

“Just thinking of you…”
“Sending a hug.”
“Hope all is well.”
“Love you. Miss you.”

I know a lot of people, myself included, who found themselves low on energy and struggling to connect with other people throughout Covid. Regardless, I noticed that I’d often be the only one to initiate contact. Which made me see, that this was the way it had always been in these friendships.

I’d text.
I’d call.
I’d suggest plans.

Not only did I see this but, for the first time, I acknowledged that I didn’t like it.

It didn’t make me feel good. It didn’t help me feel seen or valued. In fact, it felt just the opposite.

Woh. Wait. I’m allowed to say that I don’t like something? I can honor the feelings I have when something makes me feel unhappy?

Yes.

Eventually, I just stopped reaching out. And that’s when things got totally radio silent. And in silence, comes clarity.

I saw something about myself that I didn’t love, but I observed with compassion. My need to be included, to be liked, compelled me to stay in energetically one-sided friendships. I pushed them. I pulled them because, if I didn’t, I felt like I was unloveable.

At the same time, I saw the majority of my friendships fade, a few found beautiful new depths of intimacy and connection. And they fueled my soul. I learned that less is more, and it brought me real joy to be able to give and receive, with those that I consciously chose to connect with.

It wasn’t long before I stopped being sad that other friendships had fallen away. I looked back on them with affection and simply accepted that life is about ebb and flow. And that not all relationships are meant to remain in our life, and this is totally OK.

This leads me to this lesson about friendship and boundaries.

All relationships are built upon subconscious agreements that exist between people.

When we enter into a relationship, we do so with understandings of each other.  Our friendship “understands” certain things and, by participating in the friendship, we are saying “This thing is about you is OK with me.”

Here is an exaggerated example of what I mean:

Let’s say you are a punctual person, and you meet someone and become friends with them but they always run late. It bothers you, you speak up, but it always stays the same. You stay friends, and you just accept that this person will always be late. In this case, your friendship includes the agreement that Friend runs late, and I must sacrifice my comfort to hang out with them.

Or, for example, you make friends with someone while you are both struggling and going through something. The subconscious agreement between you is that you are both bonded over the struggle. What happens to the relationship when one person begins to heal and live happier while the other remains in a place of hardship?

I learned that many of my friendships were based on the agreement that I would chase, and carry the energy, without receiving the same energy in return. In doing this, I subconsciously told my “friends” that they were more important than me; I am OK giving without receiving.

I can take care of you, and it’s OK that you don’t take care of me…
I can show you love, and it’s OK that you don’t show it back…

Except, it’s NOT OK with me.

I don’t want to carry the load all the time.
I don’t want to be the one to always say hello.
I want to be approached and reached out to. I want to be thought of, as I would do to them.

Relationships can 100% be unconditional. In these situations, you love and accept a person for them exactly as they are – which may mean being willing to love someone without receiving the same love in return. But just because a relationship can be unconditional, and you love that person, it doesn’t mean you must allow them into your life – you can love someone unconditionally and not give them your time and energy.

Self-love requires us to serve ourselves – to do things that are not always easy, but bring us closer to the most authentic version of us.

And so I have allowed my entire approach to friendship to change.

There are many people I love and care about. But there are not many that I chose to invest myself in. And I am totally OK with this.